Welcome everyone to this second installment of our exploration into the metabolic depths of human stupidity.

In our very first article, we presented facts proving beyond a shadow of a doubt (at least, that is our firm conviction) the existence of idiotin. In fact, we even argued that not only was idiotin present in humans, but that it existed in two forms: Type 1 Idiotin and Type 2 Idiotin.  

Today’s discussion will therefore focus on Type 2 Idiotin, as Type 1 was the subject of the first article. For reference, new readers can click on the link on the right side of this page to learn more about Type 1 Idiotin.

Type 2 Idiotin

Type 2 Idiotin is a 423-amino acid protein secreted by certain types of immune cells, such as neutrophils and polymorphonuclear cells. Just as we did for its Type 1 cousin, we are excited to present an illustration of the three-dimensional structure of Type 2 idiotin.

Unlike type 1 idiotin production, type 2 idiotin production is said to be inducible, as concentrations of this protein in various biological fluids can rise transiently for periods ranging from a few hours to several days. It has been conclusively demonstrated that the following substances and phenomena can rapidly stimulate the production of Type 2 Idiotin, which, upon migrating to the brain, can lead to transient idiotinemia:

• Alcohol and other recreational drugs
• Age (curiously enough, with a peak in production observed between the ages of 10 and 20)
• Lust and other forms of non-platonic love
• True love (with idiotinemia that can even degenerate into blindness)
• Greed
• Donald Trump
  • His remarks
  • His voice
  • His hair (effect correlating with the intensity of the orange dye)
• Tobacco
• Coffee purchased at the drive-thru of certain fast-food chains
• Social media
• The need to impress one’s neighbors

This list is, of course, not exhaustive, and I can already see the avalanche of comments I’ll receive from readers suggesting other types of stimuli.

Example

To illustrate the effects of type 2 idiotinemia, the transient form of the condition, what better example than this one recently reported in various media outlets.

Man turns up at hospital with a WWI bomb stuck up his backside.  

A thorough investigation of this case reveals that, in everyday life,  the individual in question exhibits behavior that is entirely conventional. At a stretch, one might even describe his existence as routine and monotonous.  The episode of idiotinemia involving this surprising use of a shell reportedly occurred during a particularly boozy party.   At the time of this article’s publication, a final diagnosis of type 2 idiotinemia had not yet been confirmed for this individual; however, we sincerely hope that this is the case, as this unfortunate episode would be best served by remaining a one-time occurrence and not recurring.  This observation applies equally to the individual himself and to the community, as such unfortunate cases invariably cause an explosion of the healthcare costs.

Let’s leave this example behind and get back to the heart of the matter.  Over the past few months, I’ve been able to conduct some preliminary studies on the transient nature of type 2 idiotinemia.  To do this, I first needed to find an individual who could serve as a negative control.  After screening some twenty subjects, I finally found this specimen, a thirty-eight-year-old man exhibiting the following characteristics:

• A lab technician who has worked for the same private laboratory for seventeen years, performing microbiological tests on water samples day in and day out;
• This single man, whom we will call Mr. Dull, lives with his mother in a small five-and-a-half-room apartment located six blocks from his workplace, where he walks to work, leaving home at 8:20 every morning so as to arrive at the office at 8:30 sharp;
• Every day, at 4:59 p.m., Mr. Dull marks an X on the calendar hanging in front of his workbench, thereby officially marking the end of his workday.
• He then invariably leaves the lab at 5:01 p.m.;
• Every evening, Mr. Dull’s mother serves him dinner at 5:30 p.m.;
• Every evening, after washing the dishes, Mr. Dull  spends half an hour doing a Sudoku puzzle and then tending to his stamp collection.

Using a type 2 idiotin detection test, developed with a monoclonal antibody obtained at great cost, we were able to track the concentration of this protein (in picograms/mL) in saliva samples that Mr. Dull kindly provided to us on a monthly basis.   The graph below shows his idiotin profile for the past year:  

You’ve probably noticed two slight spikes in Type 2 idiotin occurring in May and December. The first spike corresponds to the dinner on the evening of Wednesday, May 22, when Mr. Dull decided to take his mother out to a restaurant after acquiring a particularly rare stamp he’d been searching for a long time.  As for the second spike in December, it was apparently due to the impulsive online purchase of a homeopathic ointment that supposedly eliminates nail fungus in eight days—a problem that had been bothering Mr. Dull for several months.   

The second step was to identify a positive control, a task that proved to be much easier, as your humble servant took the liberty of including himself in the study. The profile of my own saliva samples thus allowed me to confirm the effectiveness of this test for detecting type 2 idiotin:

I’ll spare you a rundown of all the stupid things I’ve done over the past year and limit myself to describing the following two peak moments of idiotin:

• On March 29 of last year,  in order to save money on hiring a professional to prune a tree, I decided to borrow my brother-in-law’s chainsaw to cut down a dead tree myself that had been lying on my property for a few months and was frankly ruining my view.  The end result of the operation was (1) to demolish my neighbor’s garage roof,  and (2) to further cement his conviction that I’m truly hopeless with a tool in my hands.
• Five months later, on August 15, during a boozy evening with some friends, I bet $50 on the Toronto Maple Leafs’ chances of winning the Stanley Cup.

The ‘DT’ Case:  A severe form of type 2 idiotinemia

So, armed with this detection test and my two control samples, I was able to investigate several subjects exhibiting varying degrees of type 2 idiotinemia. It would take too long to recount the twists and turns that allowed me to obtain saliva samples from all these individuals.    A particularly interesting case quickly emerged. 

The individual, whom I will refer to only by his initials (DT) for the sake of confidentiality, exhibits an absolutely chaotic profile of type 2 idiotin concentrations in his saliva—a unique phenomenon that has not been observed in any other tested subject.  DT’s idiotin profile is shown below:

Since DT holds a fairly high-ranking position in the civil service of a country whose name we will also withhold, it was relatively easy to link each of these sudden outbursts of type-2 idiotin to actions or statements made by this individual.  For illustrative purposes, we will cite just a few:

• DT has previously stated that bleach could be used to treat COVID-19.
• Speaking before an audience of journalists from around the world, he proposed deporting the population of the Gaza Strip to build a paradise-like seaside resort there.
• He also claimed to have “resolved” an imaginary conflict between Cambodia and Armenia, two nations separated by a distance of 4,000 kilometers. In fact, no one in Cambodia has the slightest idea where Armenia is located.  The Armenians interviewed, for their part, thought that Cambodia was a brand of yogurt. 
• He had a large wall built between the United States and Mexico, claiming that he would make Mexico pay for its construction.
• He attacked Iran in June 2025, solemnly declaring that he had completely destroyed its nuclear capabilities; he attacked Iran again less than a year later, this time claiming that this country was just two weeks away from being able to launch a nuclear missile.
• He has repeatedly claimed that climate change is the greatest hoax in history.

Furthermore, I’d like to nip in the bud right now those far-fetched claims I’ve heard from certain smart alecks—whose names I’ll keep to myself—that the acronym DT comes from the fact that the person in question suffers from Delirium Tremens.  Make no mistake: Delirium Tremens is a condition that has absolutely nothing to do with Type 2 idiotinemia.  

You might be interested to know that we sent the highly unusual results of our study to DT himself.   Needless to say, he was devastated to learn of his condition, as can be seen in the photo below, where he defiantly displays his test results. Once again, the confidentiality obligation I have imposed on myself has led me to resort to a ruse in order to preserve this person’s anonymity:

Receiving this report came as a shock to DT (as one might expect), especially since he has a reputation for holding his own intellectual abilities in rather high regard.   But let’s leave all that gossip aside.     Some of you will be happy to hear that since then, DT has decided to take control of his own destiny and join the ranks of AI (Anonymous Idiots).  As seen below, during his first meeting with the other members of his local AI chapter, everyone warmly applauded their new recruit.  

And to conclude, for the same price, a fun fact:

This group portrait also allows us to confirm a side effect that we had previously identified in some other subjects.   It appears that the high concentration of type 2 idiotin in saliva has the effect of whitening teeth, as can be seen in the inset below, which isolates one of the Anonymous Idiots present in the photo above.   

Clearly, this individual has no idea that he’s in the midst of an idiotinemia relapse, unlike the other male participants at this Anonymous Idiots meeting, who are careful not to flash their teeth.  As for the two women in the photo, they certainly flash a shy smile, but we venture to hypothesize that they both made a stop in the restroom before the photo was taken, to ensure that their teeth did not betray any episode of idiotinemia—a precaution that, incidentally, proves they were both in remission. 

I also wonder if I shouldn’t file a patent on this discovery.  There may be a business opportunity here, as I suspect a significant number of people would be interested in using this inexpensive method to display impeccably white teeth, even if it means risking looking like an idiot. 

That’s all for today.  The next article will focus on the mechanism of action of Type 2 idiotin.  In the meantime, let’s leave you with this profound thought from Albert Einstein.